Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Be AWARE of the Married Man

A recent indecent proposal by a married man prompted me to dig this out the vault. I wrote this back in 2006, but it still applies today. I updated it somewhat to reflect 2010 situations, and unfortunately some things never change. Yeah I know women cheat but I have never been approached by a married woman. God forbid that I ever am.

What do former president Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, former NY mayor Rudy Guiliani, former senator Gary Conditt, Rev. Jesse Jackson, basketball players Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and golfer Tiger Woods have in common? They have all of been the main player in highly publicized extra-marital affairs.

I know it’s nothing new for married people to cheat on their spouses but what has become increasingly obvious is the fact that it has become acceptable behavior. I no longer see a look of shock come across people’s faces when they hear someone is no longer clinging physically to just their spouse. Even with Tiger the shock wasn't the fact he was cheating, it was the number of women he was cheating with. Instead, I hear excuses: a man’s gone be a man, when he’s erect the blood comes from his head and his feet so don’t expect him to think and it’s the woman’s fault. Either the wife wasn’t taking care of business at home or the “ho” threw it at him and it’s a man’s natural reflex to catch it. Now we have the infamous sexual addiction. Whatever!!! Their addiction is the same as everybody else's...They love sex. Most of us just realize you shouldn't have it with anybody and everybody. B.S. I say, B.S. It seems that as long as a man has money and is still caring for his household it’s perfectly ok for him to have a honey on the side. Now don’t get me wrong I know there are plenty of women that have had and are having affairs but men seem to be the ones who keep getting caught with their pants down.

Think back to the Kobe Bryant affair. People were very vocal in their opinion that Kobe’s accused rapist was a gold digging white woman. However, I heard less people stating that if he had told that lady he was a married man and that the chance of him hitting that had the same odds as the New Jersey Nets making it to the Final Four he wouldn’t have been in that mess. Public apologies are nice PR moves but the public isn't who really deserve it. Although I'm sure those who truly look up to celebrities and get disappointed and lose respect for their idols do appreciate the effort. No worries, I'm not picking on Kobe. He is one of many who made that mistake and him and Vanessa seem to be doing just fine. I recognize we all make mistakes. I'm just making an appeal that people try a lot harder when in comes to their marriages.

Tell me, have people returned to the days of old when it comes to fidelity? There was once a time when a man could acceptably cheat on his wife, with no fear of her leaving him because where could a woman with 10 kids, no job and no education go? Absolutely nowhere! But in 2010 when STD’s run rampant, and women have the potential to make more money than a man and take his butt to court to take half of what he earns why is adultery still so commonplace? What type of example are we setting for our young people? We seem to be saying don’t expect to be faithful to one person because you can’t do it. Adultery is wrong so let's stop making excuses! I’ve heard men talk about cheating on their wives as easily as they talk about their occupations and it sickens me. I know it takes two to cheat but that other person, more than likely, wasn’t the one who took the vows in front of God, the preacher, family and friends to love, honor and cherish one another ‘til death do you part. Maybe we need to change them to disrespect, and whore around but continue to provide until I get caught, get another woman pregnant or my wife gets fed up and leaves me.

This all too common practice of extra-marital affairs strikes fear and skepticism about jumping the broom in a single woman such as myself. If I get married will my husband cheat on me and will I and/or my marriage be able to survive it? Every time I hear of someone cheating on their spouse it brings me back to the same question…….why? This is the same person you say you love, but you’re doing something that will break their heart if they find out. Don’t you realize that you are causing possible irreparable damage to your marriage? Yes, your spouse may forgive you and move on with your relationship, but every time you walk through the door at some crazy hour of the morning with the excuse that you lost track of time while hanging with your “friends” your loving husband or wife will be wondering if they are playing the part of the fool in a new day-time drama. That is if this is truly a marriage based on love and trust and not money or convenience. Life is just so much easier when you do the right thing.

I once had a married man, who habitually cheated on his wife, tell me that he loved his wife and although he knew he had steak at home sometimes he wanted a hamburger. I know that we all get bored with the same old thing, but what it boils down to is steak and hamburgers are both made of beef. So go home and work with what you have. Throw that steak in the blender, grind it up, make you a nice juicy patty and throw it on the George Foreman Grill. Or if you don’t want to go that far, if you usually use A1 Steak Sauce try Heinz 57 or Lea and Perrins Worcestershire Sauce for a change. Communicate with the one you love and spice things up a bit! You’ll probably enjoy it even more because there is no guilty conscience later.

We keep saying that the demise of the country is because of a lack of morals caused by the dysfunction of the American family. Well then, why don’t all married people who are engaging in adultery make a pact to exert the energy they use cheating and trying to hide the evidence into making our families stronger? Show our boys how to be wonderful devoted husbands and fathers ‘til death do them part. Be aware married men what you do affects more than just you.

This is just my two cents but who am I? I'm just a woman watching the notion of "family" go down the toilet.

This Week's Lesson: Don't Date Married Men and Don't Cheat On Your Spouse

Friday, January 29, 2010

So You Wanna Be A Bitch?

Bitch- \ˈbich\ (noun) 1 : the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals 2 a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse 3 : something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant

Pop culture influences so much…the way we walk, the way we dress, the way we wear our hair, and it most certainly influences our vocabulary. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much bad English become instantly acceptable. I pay close attention to the trends and some I accept others I reject with staunch fierceness. This notion of referring to a woman as a bitch as a positive thing is something I just can’t get with. This term was once considered an insult but somewhere around junior high I noticed that it began to be a term of endearment among my female counterparts. It was nothing for a woman to refer to her girlfriend as bitch in casual conversation and no one get offended. Now, so many of us proudly proclaim it as a sign of strength and success calling ourselves Da Baddest Bitch, The Five Star Bitch, and The Bitch You Love to Hate or The Last Bitch Standing or Dat Bitch. Successful comedienne’s and female MC’s use the term loosely when describing themselves. There’s even Bitch wine and Sassy Bitch wine to wet our palettes. I liken this trend to the use of the word nigger, although not nearly as profane or with such a deep history of degradation and pain. Nigger or nigga, as some say, is now term of endearment or comradery among many African Americans but a heinous insult worthy of a lawsuit or a beat down when used by another race. If we women refer to ourselves as bitches all day long in conversation, music, books and other forms of media and entertainment can we really get mad when it is hurled at us as an insult? Especially, by the male gender. You did say you were his bottom bitch, right?

I wondered if I was missing something, so I searched Merriam-Webster for a positive definition but was left void. Every definition was negative. I even find the use of the word to describe a strong, intelligent woman almost comical because when the term is used to describe a man it means weak, whiny, whipped---anything but strong. So which is it? Are these female bitches strong or weak because someone has it twisted?

Sometimes bitch is used to describe all women in general. Remember Jay Z’s popular line I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. Ladies, at what point do we get offended? Anything hip hop calls us in a hot song we are able to shake our assets to we accept….bitch, tip drill, bust it baby, or ho. Remember the popular club joint “It’s Some Hoes in this House?”. My sisters, at what point do we want something more positive for ourselves? This self-degradation has got to stop. I realize me fighting against the word’s use is probably futile since it’s so widespread now. Kind of like the NAACP burying the N-word. It was resurrected by the masses before the dirt even hit the coffin. So, I’ll just say my piece in this blog, agree to disagree with all my sisters who really think they’re bitches (SMH), and cling to old saying, it’s not what I’m called but what I answer to. I am 100% woman, but I’m nobody’s bitch.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Need A Husband? Learn Chinese.

There is nothing sexier than an attractive, intelligent black man with a banging body. However, according to an ABC News report the eligible black male is an endangered species and more and more African American women are finding themselves husbandless well into their 30’s. Forty percent of black women in America are currently single. According to them, lack of education, unemployment, incarceration and those already taken off the market through marriage has left many of us wondering if we will ever have the opportunity to don that coveted white dress. Being a single black woman and a student of journalism, I didn’t have too great of a panic attack. I know sensationalism sells but after seeing the report I did start thinking. As a child, my prince charming was always a direct reflection of me but what if Mr. Right doesn’t come in a beautiful brown-skinned package? I’m not opposed to interracial dating but I have yet to do it. I can only think of twice in my life I was even asked out by a man of a different race. One was white and the other was Vietnamese. The first was only in town for one day and I was swamped with work and politely declined his invitation to dinner at the Rendevous. Now, I wish I had because he was here doing an article on the late legendary entertainer Rufus Thomas for GQ Magazine and probably would have been a great contact. And who knows--a love connection might have been made. The other was just too young for me. I don’t care what color you are, I wasn’t going to be a college sophomore dating a high school senior. Although, I greatly admired his ambition and adoration of me.

Well, this week the internet is a buzz with the news that China, due to their population control tactics and gender specific abortions, is on a course to having a severe shortage of women readily available for marriage. They estimate 24 million men will be without a wife by the year 2020. I find it sad, laughable and interesting that in their quest to swell the population with what they believed was the more desired, stronger gender, those in rural areas began aborting fetuses once they realized it was going to have a vagina and now more vaginas are exactly what they need. See what happens when you try to do God’s job for him? He shows us who is really in control and makes us look dumb in the process.

What do you think ladies? Are you opposed to flying the friendly skies in order to land a husband? I have a feeling that dating sites are going to receive a huge surge in clientele among the Chinese in an effort to make sure that Chinese men don’t experience what the media says we sisters are experiencing now. So, if you had your heart set on a Mandingo warrior, maybe you should start fantasizing about Jackie Chan, Jet Li or Chow Yun Fat instead. The blending of cultures isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I can almost guarantee you’ll have some pretty babies. I wonder if they like fried chicken and candied yams?

Keep hope alive my sisters. Prince charming does exist but we may have to step outside our comfort zones and perhaps learn Chinese in order to meet him. But I still believe there’s nothing sexier than an attractive, intelligent black man with a banging body.

**After several comments on my Facebook page I feel compelled to point out that this blog was written tongue in cheek. It was meant to give people something to think about. Although Chinese men and African American women getting together may seem like a logical answer several cultural issues would have to be addressed before this could actually happen. However, anything is possible.(-:


Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Dating Game

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that dating is a game. Well if that’s true, then I’m losing because I think the game is stupid. It’s not that I don’t understand the rules, I just don’t want to play by them. I don’t understand why if you like someone you have to act like you don’t in order to get them to like you back. I don’t understand why if I have the urge to call someone I’m not supposed to because he may think I’m being too pushy. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I don’t have time for the B.S. I don’t have time for these games.

We’re told in almost every aspect of our lives to be honest with ourselves and what we’re feeling except in dating. In dating, you’re supposed to put on this façade in order to attract someone. Then once you’ve captured their attention, there is this intricate game of cat and mouse and sometimes it’s quite confusing about who’s the predator and who’s the prey. As women, we’re told all these things but none of them guarantee success. Don’t move too fast, he’ll think you’re a slut. Show too much interest too soon, you’ll scare him away. Move too slow, you’ll bruise he ego and he’ll lose interest. But there are no hard and fast rules about what’s too fast, what’s too slow and what’s too much because every man is different. You’re just supposed to trust your gut and what if all you really had that day was a bad bout of indigestion and you get it all wrong?

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t like this game. I want to be able to say I like you and not worry about negative repercussions because either he really likes me or he doesn’t. I want to be able to ask him if he’s seeing someone else and get an honest answer. Cuz baby, I can handle the truth. It’s lies I despise. I want to know immediately if he really cares about me as a person or if he’s just trying to get in my pants. If that’s all you want just say so. It just might be your lucky day or you might get cussed the hell out. Either way, you got your answer without having to take me out on several meaningless dates. I want to be what we were told to be as children…honest and true. I know the world I’m describing doesn’t exist but it should.

I’m not quite sure what happens when you don’t want to play anymore. Do you take down your Facebook page, not answer any phone calls you don’t recognize and when a guy asks you out do you politely decline because you’ve turned in all your playing pieces and folded all your cards. Does that mean I’m going to die alone or does it simply mean I’m just waiting for someone who doesn’t feel like playing anymore either to come along? I guess there are a few rules I haven’t figured out yet or maybe I’m just a renegade because I can’t play by these rules. They don’t make a darn bit of sense to me. I was once told, in business the key is to learn all the rules, break them and then create your own. I don’t think that theory applies to dating and that's too bad because those rules I can get with.