Friday, April 12, 2013

Celibacy IS NOT A Dating Death Sentence


I recently read a column in The Root concerning a young lady who was seeking advice from Life Coach Demetria Lucas as she struggled to remain celibate. I like the advice Ms. Lucas gave. However, I found myself feeling a little cynical of the writer as I read it. She seemed to see celibacy as some type of dating death sentence and claimed her celibacy was the reason she hadn't had a date in years.

I know it isn't easy. Resisting temptation rarely is. If it was easy everybody would do it, but the fact is that when a person decides to become celibate they do so for a reason. Those reasons should not only align with your faith but your personal happiness. Why do it if you are going to constantly complain about how hard it is? You are defeating the purpose. That's like becoming a Christian then always whining about your life is boring, you never have any fun anymore, you hate giving a portion of your income to the church but God is good! Hallelujah! (Insert praise dance here) Makes no sense, right?  You can't draw anybody to Christ like that! If you are celibate, you can't experience spiritual enlightenment and grow closer to Christ like that. You can't become a shining example for why celibacy can be a good thing like that. You also darn sure can't attract a mate like that. Someone can detect "unhappy with myself", "I got issues and should be in counseling", and "upset and horny as hell cause I ain't getting any" pretty quickly.

I am not without sympathy for the plight of the writer. I have moments when I question my decision to become celibate, too. I even considered giving it up myself. It's not for everyone. However, I always come back to the peace I have gained from being in the will of God and the wisdom and clarity I experience when my dating judgement isn't convoluted with the sexual high you get when a brother is laying it down better than a railroad worker lays tracks. I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancies and STDs. Not to mention, it's the best repellent for men who just want to hit that I know.

Celibacy doesn't prevent you from getting a date. I rarely have a problem with getting a date. They won't all be prime candidates for marriage but you may get some great conversation and company from them. That's going to happen whether or not you are having sex. Also, there are celibate men out there who will respect your decision because they are walking along the same path.

Bottom line...God loves a cheerful giver whether it's your tithes and offering or your body. Can I get an Amen?

My advice to her is re-examine why you became celibate. If those reasons are no longer valid and you are miserable do what you feel you need to do to be happy. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with your decision. God still loves us even when we sin but that should never be an excuse to induldge in sin. We will all be judged for our actions.

Read the column for yourself,

My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. Visit her at, and


  1. Wow...I so needed to hear this...It is a struggle....but I like that you said..."re-examine WHY you became celibate..." My reasons are still valid...for me it's easy..because I don't exactly have men beating down my door...I have a case of the "unhappy with myself", "I got issues and should be in counseling", and "upset and horny as hell cause I ain't getting any". (That's pretty funny by the way! lol...)...I'm working on some things...especially the unhappy with myself part...I don't EXACTLY have the issues that REQUIRE counseling...(I'm sure we could ALL use a little bit...) but that's where I am...working on me...Thanks for the post!

    1. Ms. Read It All,

      I am glad that you are taking steps to address whatever issues you think may be holding you back from meeting someone special. You said you don't exactly have men beating down your door. Online dating sites are a good way to meet and mingle with the opposite sex. There are also some that don't require a fee. No man or woman is an island. We all need someone so address your issues and then get out there girl! Best of luck to you.