I recently discovered that mice were coming into my garage and feasting on the contents of my trunk. I was alerted to this fact when I took my mother to dialysis. Imagine my surprise and disdain when I popped the trunk and retrieved the bag I keep in there with her blankets, so she doesn’t get could during her treatment, and noticed that it had holes all in it. Those pesky suckers had eaten through her bag, gnawed on her blanket, destroyed her disposable underwear along with several book promotional items I keep in the trunk. They even gnawed the rubber on her wheelchair. By the grace of God they didn’t touch my precious books. I know that was nobody but God. Because I would have cried right there in the parking lot if they had. As an independent author, I spend thousands of dollars ordering my own books so I can sell them. So, they are valuable to say the least.
However, now I have a problem that I need to fix before those spawns of Satan damage more of my precious belongings and my engine. This whole ordeal reminded of one of the things I HATE about being single. I have no help when it comes to matters such as this. I would have loved to have been able to call my husband and relayed what happened only to have him say, “No, worries. I got this babe.” But I can’t. I have to put on my big girl panties along with my shirt with MK on my chest and get to work. No, that does not stand for Michael Kors. It stands for Mouse Killer. I bought some mouse poison and put it out. However, two evenings later when I went to the garage to pop my hood to see if I could figure out why my automobile was running funky that day I saw a mouse on my engine, specifically my wires. I did what any woman would do. I screamed and slammed the trunk shut. After freaking out, I calmed myself, put on my big girl panties, threw back on my MK shirt and went to consult my trusted friend the Internet. I found two suggestions that many people found successful when trying to keep critters away from their cars: moth balls and dryer sheets, particularly Bounce because it has a strong scent. I immediately took my tail to Dollar General and bought both. I came back home and put the moth balls in my trunk, around my garage, and in my engine. Then, I spread some dryer sheets around my engine. I removed them in the morning before I left for work. I put them back on when I got home. I do that each day and so far, it seems to be working. Laugh if you want. Judge me if you want. I don’t care. It’s my garage, my car, my fix. I have also arranged to have my handy man come cover the places where the mice seem to be gaining access to my garage. Money I would rather spend to get my hair done and my eyebrows waxed.
To all of you single women out there who say you don’t need or want a man, you can have that. I want some help. Yeah, yeah, yeah I want someone to love me, hold me, tell me I’m beautiful but I also want someone to take out the trash, rub my back after a hard day, and investigate things that go bump in the night. I am tired of climbing up on a ladder and cleaning out my gutters and cutting my own grass when I’m short on funds and can’t afford to pay the yard man or I just don’t want to give my money to the yard man. I prefer not to have to wash my own car when I don’t want to pay the guy on the corner $20 to do it. Oh, add another $5 if I want wax. Those of you who get lonely and reach for a vibrator or make a phone call to that fool who you wouldn’t marry if he were the last man on earth but he’s fine for a good lay, you can have him too. I am done with temporary fixes. I need to be able to roll over and tap the shoulder of that sexy man lying next to me who stood before God, my pastor, and my family and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
But until he arrives, I’ll keep plenty of moth balls and Bounce. Keep hope alive my sisters. I know God still answers prayer. Don’t worry, I am not desperate. I’m in no hurry because I want the right man but I have no problem acknowledging that I want/need a man. Unlike so many of these I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T women I run into. I know there is a wonderful man out there who would love just to come home to lil ole me so I can remind him to take out the trash before I take him to the bedroom and make him say my name repeatedly.
This is satire, sarcasm, vented frustration, and more rolled up in an entertaining blog. Please do not send me any ugly emails about that is not what a husband is for. If I made you laugh or held your attention that’s all that matters. You use your fantasy man for your selfish purposes and I will use mine for mine.
My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. She will release Things Every Good Woman Should Know, Volume 1 in February 2014. Visit her at, www.jaehendersonauthor.com and www.imagoodwoman.com.