Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Four Dreaded Words




Four of the most dreaded words for someone looking for a relationship are let’s just kick it. The interpretation is simple:

Let’s do all the things people in a relationship do (in most cases this includes sex) without the benefit or restriction of a title.

I am a firm believer that two people have to be on the same page if any type of relationship is going to work. Often this just kickin’ it arrangement is introduced if both people or one person is in school, working long hours, focused on a long-term goal, just got out of a relationship and they aren’t ready for another one OR someone is a player or has a commitment phobia.Yet, they still want to occasionally experience the emotional and/or physical closeness that comes with being bonded to someone.

HOWEVER, the problem usually arises when one of the involved parties really does want a relationship and went along with the arrangement in hopes of changing the other person’s mind or after kickin' it for a while they began to develop strong feelings for the other person and want to elevate their arrangement to the next level.  

Ladies, my advice is never enter into any type of arrangement with ulterior motives or settle for less than what you really want. Especially, if sex is involved. Often, because there are no titles the man is still seeing other women and having sex with them, too. You, not being the girlfriend, have no real right to demand that he stop. Do you really want to sleep with someone you know has multiple partners? That is dangerous. We all know that emotions can go haywire when sex is involved, especially if it’s good. How are you going to react if you see him out on a date with another woman and he was in your bed earlier that day? He may even grant you exclusivity but will that be enough if you really want a relationship? Maybe at first but after a few months you will be looking for more. Many times just kickin’ it ends in feelings of neglect when the other person isn’t willing to devote the time and attention you want and heartache when you realize the arrangement isn’t going to work in your favor and it’s best that you move on. Although, it’s possible that he will make the decision or you.

As Christian women, remember that your body is sacred. It is supposed to be reserved for your husband and giving it to someone who doesn’t even want to be your boyfriend just doesn’t make good logical or religious sense. It’s a recipe for disaster if you ask me. You have no one to blame but yourself if it doesn’t work out. Besides, if you say you want a good man placing yourself in an ambiguous state with someone who isn't willing to give you their all doesn't really create an environment for you to achieve your heart's desire. Use common sense!


If a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. If he says says he wants to just kick it--RUN! This is one of the few cases where words speak louder than actions. If he treats you like his girl but introduces you as his friend that’s exactly what you are. That's if you ever get to meet his friends. With just kickin it, when it's over, you may actually feel as if you've been kicked.


My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. Get her new ebook Things Every Good Woman Should Know Volume 1 on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com. Visit Jae at, www.jaehendersonauthor.com and www.imagoodwoman.com.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Selfish With My Selfies



I'm blue without you!
Because I look young I tend to get a lot of attention from men in their 20’s. I don’t have a problem dating a younger man if he exhibits some maturity. However, there is one request I get a lot more from the young'uns than I get from men around my age or older.  It is send me a picture.  It’s a simple request and with the invention of cell phones with cameras it is easy to accommodate. However, for someone who doesn’t think they are very photogenic or just really isn’t into the whole selfie thing this can be a daunting task. Yes, I take selfies but not often. Although, I am trying to do better.  I personally don’t see the point unless I am doing something special or am located someplace that warrants a picture to immortalize the moment. Or perhaps I have a special message I would like to send. Such as the one to the left. It’s old and my former significant other got a kick out of it because he loves art. Also, the fact that I didn’t send pics often made it even more special. I would much rather send one or two professional photos that I think I look really good in and then whenever the man I am dating starts to miss me he can pull out that same picture and gaze upon my face. What's so special about me sending him a real time selfie?

I have over 500 pictures on my Facebook page. I have Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter. Why can’t he just go on my pages and look at those? That’s what I do. I don’t need to get new ones constantly. Well evidently many men do because I get asked to send a picture that's NOT on my pages. Why must I stop what I am doing and send a picture so he can see what I look like and what I am doing at that particular time? I guess he wants to feel special. Men should know that you're special if I communicate with you on a regular basis!

Also, if I’m looking particularly cute that day I won’t want to send him a picture because I might decide to wear that outfit on a future date and now he’s already seen it and the impact of my entrance will be lessened. If I had it my way he would just wait until the next time he sees me. They says absence makes the heart grow fonder. SIGH

Yes, I realize that I should be flattered that a man is thinking of me and that I have the kind of face he would like to see often. Like I said, I am trying to do better and I know that in order to have a successful relationship you must be willing to compromise. However, my attitude about selfies isn't going to change over night. I'll just have to take it one snapshot at a time. But any man who dates me should probably know that  I am not a big selfie taker. 

Am I the only one who feels this way? How do you politely tell a man you really don’t want to send him pictures of yourself all the time? Maybe I can talk any future suitors into once every other week.

My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. Get her new ebook Things Every Good Woman Should Know Volume 1 on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com. Visit Jae at, www.jaehendersonauthor.com and www.imagoodwoman.com.

Monday, August 11, 2014

I Can't Be A Mistress



Over the past year I have been approached by a couple of married men to help them engage in an extramarital affair—in other words be their mistress. These are men I was once interested in or used to date. They know me fairly well, who I am, what type of woman I am and what I bring to the table. As one said, “I know you would make me happy.” Knowing that I am a woman of God I must say that I was surprised that they would even approach me with such a request.  I guess they felt that our past and the fact that I do genuinely care for them would at least make me pause and consider it. However, they were WRONG!

I sympathize with the fact that marriage has not turned out to be what they thought it would and because they enjoy having 24-hour access to their children, they refuse to leave. Both men grew up without their father. One expressed to me that rather than live in a separate household or possibly create a situation where another man could come in and play the role of father to their child, if his wife should get remarried, he will stay and make the best of what has become a less than desirable situation. They’ve both decided that “making the best of it" is finding a woman to fulfill whatever void their spouse has decided to continuously neglect. I have a very hard and fast rule. I DON’T DATE MEN WITH GIRLFRIENDS OR WIVES. I don’t even date men who are separated.  I know several women who do date married men and seem very happy in the role of the side chick but I can’t and here’s why:

      1. It is morally and religiously wrong.

I don’t really need to go into detail here. Adultery is wrong and if I am assisting in the adultery I am considered an accomplice or in more common terms “da hoe”.  On top of that I am bringing damnation to my soul and unnecessary frustration and drama into my life.

2. I deserve better.

I still believe that one day I will get married to a wonderful man. I can’t do that if he’s already married. Why should I take the consolation prize of a few stolen moments with a man I can’t be seen in public with or tell anyone about? It would be a gross injustice to myself.  In whatever relationship I choose to pursue I deserve to be #1. If he cannot give me that then he is a waste of my time. Also, in my opinion if those men cared anything about me they wouldn’t ask me to settle for only sharing part of their lives and such a lowly part at that. I don't care how fine he is, how many gifts I get or how many  bills I get paid, it's not worth being alone on holidays and hiding.When a married man or a man with a girlfriend asks you to be #2, it is an INSULT. Treat it as such.

  3. Everybody ain’t stable.

In any affair, inevitably someone is going to get hurt. When that pain surfaces there is no guarantee that the bearer’s reaction will be that of a mentally stable, rational individual. There are several scenarios I could introduce. Perhaps, I get tired of being #2 and try to break it off and he tells me that if he can’t have me no one can. Now I’m fearing for my life, sleeping with my gun and taking out restraining orders. Maybe the wife finds out and harasses me or tells anyone who is willing to listen what I am doing to break up her family. Now, not only am I “da hoe” but a home wrecker, too.  Worst case scenario, she attacks me causing great bodily harm or kills me. I’m six feet under or in the hospital bed sucking my meals through a straw because I got lonely and decided to become some unhappily married man’s forbidden fantasy.

So, to those gentlemen I say thanks but no thanks. Your marital woes are your problem. Leave me out of it! Stop putting a band aid on your wounded marriage and work on that infection before it festers into something toxic with no hope of healing. It could even become contagious and infiltrate your kids. Every child deserves to grow up in a loving stable household. Try marital counseling, not a mistress.

I don’t have time for empty promises, unfruitful dreams, or emotional stress. If you are currently messing with a married man I ask that you carefully evaluate your actions and how they not only affect you but him and his family. As for me, I know that somewhere there’s a SINGLE man looking for me and I have to keep myself available and visible for him to find. I love myself to much to settle for any less than a man's very best.

 My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. Get her new ebook Things Every Good Woman Should Know Volume 1 on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com. Visit Jae at, www.jaehendersonauthor.com and www.imagoodwoman.com.