Monday, August 11, 2014

I Can't Be A Mistress

Over the past year I have been approached by a couple of married men to help them engage in an extramarital affair—in other words be their mistress. These are men I was once interested in or used to date. They know me fairly well, who I am, what type of woman I am and what I bring to the table. As one said, “I know you would make me happy.” Knowing that I am a woman of God I must say that I was surprised that they would even approach me with such a request.  I guess they felt that our past and the fact that I do genuinely care for them would at least make me pause and consider it. However, they were WRONG!

I sympathize with the fact that marriage has not turned out to be what they thought it would and because they enjoy having 24-hour access to their children, they refuse to leave. Both men grew up without their father. One expressed to me that rather than live in a separate household or possibly create a situation where another man could come in and play the role of father to their child, if his wife should get remarried, he will stay and make the best of what has become a less than desirable situation. They’ve both decided that “making the best of it" is finding a woman to fulfill whatever void their spouse has decided to continuously neglect. I have a very hard and fast rule. I DON’T DATE MEN WITH GIRLFRIENDS OR WIVES. I don’t even date men who are separated.  I know several women who do date married men and seem very happy in the role of the side chick but I can’t and here’s why:

      1. It is morally and religiously wrong.

I don’t really need to go into detail here. Adultery is wrong and if I am assisting in the adultery I am considered an accomplice or in more common terms “da hoe”.  On top of that I am bringing damnation to my soul and unnecessary frustration and drama into my life.

2. I deserve better.

I still believe that one day I will get married to a wonderful man. I can’t do that if he’s already married. Why should I take the consolation prize of a few stolen moments with a man I can’t be seen in public with or tell anyone about? It would be a gross injustice to myself.  In whatever relationship I choose to pursue I deserve to be #1. If he cannot give me that then he is a waste of my time. Also, in my opinion if those men cared anything about me they wouldn’t ask me to settle for only sharing part of their lives and such a lowly part at that. I don't care how fine he is, how many gifts I get or how many  bills I get paid, it's not worth being alone on holidays and hiding.When a married man or a man with a girlfriend asks you to be #2, it is an INSULT. Treat it as such.

  3. Everybody ain’t stable.

In any affair, inevitably someone is going to get hurt. When that pain surfaces there is no guarantee that the bearer’s reaction will be that of a mentally stable, rational individual. There are several scenarios I could introduce. Perhaps, I get tired of being #2 and try to break it off and he tells me that if he can’t have me no one can. Now I’m fearing for my life, sleeping with my gun and taking out restraining orders. Maybe the wife finds out and harasses me or tells anyone who is willing to listen what I am doing to break up her family. Now, not only am I “da hoe” but a home wrecker, too.  Worst case scenario, she attacks me causing great bodily harm or kills me. I’m six feet under or in the hospital bed sucking my meals through a straw because I got lonely and decided to become some unhappily married man’s forbidden fantasy.

So, to those gentlemen I say thanks but no thanks. Your marital woes are your problem. Leave me out of it! Stop putting a band aid on your wounded marriage and work on that infection before it festers into something toxic with no hope of healing. It could even become contagious and infiltrate your kids. Every child deserves to grow up in a loving stable household. Try marital counseling, not a mistress.

I don’t have time for empty promises, unfruitful dreams, or emotional stress. If you are currently messing with a married man I ask that you carefully evaluate your actions and how they not only affect you but him and his family. As for me, I know that somewhere there’s a SINGLE man looking for me and I have to keep myself available and visible for him to find. I love myself to much to settle for any less than a man's very best.

 My Side of the Single Life is by book author Jae Henderson. Her inspirational romance novels, Someday, Someday, Too, and Forever and a Day are now available in ebook (Kindle and Nook) and paperback. Get her new ebook Things Every Good Woman Should Know Volume 1 on or Visit Jae at, and

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